Losing It
by flashwitch
Summary: Character study of Bruce Banner. In the same vein as Hands Free, Frozen, etc. Warning for Child Abuse. Bruce doesn't like to lose control.


**Losing it.**

**Bruce's character study in the Studied Avegers series, but stands alone, as do the others. Shorter than the others. I'm not sure of Bruce's ages in this, I kind of just guessed.**

** Lots of child abuse, may trigger. Also swearing.**

* * *

All of these things... none of these things... some of these things may be true

Bruce doesn't like to lose control. You may think you already know why. But that's a symptom, not the disease.

* * *

Bruce is a quiet baby. He hardly ever cries.

* * *

Bruce is four years old when he screws his eyes tight shut and tries to keep control.

_Sh, it's okay, don't, don't_... he already knows it's a lost cause. But he has to be good. He bites his lip and clutches at the sheets. He really needs to pee. But if his Daddy sees him out of bed, he'll be in trouble. On the other hand, if he pees his bed, he'll be in trouble too. He just lies there, frozen with panic, trying to keep control.

And then it's too late, he's lost it and his bladder voids itself all over the sheets. He bites down on his lip even harder, tasting the copper tang of blood where he's nipped the skin. Now he has to get up anyway, get the sheets clean before his father finds out.

His father hears him on the landing. He isn't happy. It isn't pretty.

* * *

He's six when his father hits his mother so hard she's knocked out, blood splattering from her broken nose and oozing more sluggishly from the wound where her temple met the counter. He chews on the inside of his cheek and backs into the corner of the kitchen, his hands flat against the cold wall behind him. He can feel the prickly warmth of tears behind his eyes.

"The fuck's wrong with you? Get over here!" Bruce shakes his head and presses closer to the wall, the tears slipping out before he can stop them. His dad's hand is a claw grabbing onto his shoulder and he drags Bruce towards him. "What's wrong with you?" He shakes the boy firmly. "Stop it!" A backhand that makes the tears fall faster. "Stop I said! You aren't a baby anymore, boy! You'll listen to me, by God!" The hand not clenched on Bruce's shoulder goes down to his belt buckle.

Bruce is whipped to teach him control. He's too old to be crying. His father says he'll hit him until Bruce can take a strike in silence.

* * *

When Bruce is twelve, his father kills his mother. He doesn't get proof of this until he's eighteen. He doesn't remember what follows. (He confronts his father over his mother's grave and it ends with his father dead.)

* * *

When Bruce is sixteen his friend Jake throws a small party. His parents are out of town. Bruce goes along, although it isn't really his scene, for Jake's sake. He mostly hides in a corner talking to Jake and Jake's sister Carrie.

His ribs ache.

Jake moves away after a while, he has to host the party after all, and Carrie pours Bruce another drink from the bottle she'd found in her parents liquor cabinet. She's been flirting with him. He knows she has. She's had less booze than him. He's already getting fuzzy and he knows his judgement is impaired.

It doesn't stop him.

Jake pulls him off Carrie and punches him in the face.

He deserves it.

Carrie is mortified. Jake is furious. Bruce is alone.

He should have kept control. He doesn't drink again for a very long time.

* * *

When Bruce is 19 he gets into an argument with his professor and is almost thrown out of college when it comes to blows.

"What did you say to me, Mr Banner?"

"I said that you're wrong!"

"I suggest you sit back down and shut your mouth, Mr Banner."

"No, you're wrong, it's wrong! The way you've written it doesn't make sense and it's going to do us no good in the future."

"I am your professor! You will show me some respect! If you wish to discuss it after class..."

"You aren't listening. How stupid are you? You're going to teach us the wrong thing and it's going to cause accidents in the future!"

"I told you to be quiet, you snot nosed little brat!"

The only reason Bruce isn't thrown out immediately is because he was right. And he was achieving higher test scores than the rest of his year. He is put on academic probation and he is constantly monitored.

He shouldn't have lost his temper.

* * *

When Bruce is thirty he loses control of his experiment and, shortly after that, he loses control his life.

* * *

It seems like he's been running forever, helter-skelter, wherever the wind may take him. He does what he has to and he doesn't remember the last time he made a conscious decision about where to go, what to do. It's always 'run' or 'hide' or 'safe here'. It's always 'you must control your temper' and 'do what you have to'. It's not 'I would like...' or 'I don't want to...' He lost the luxury of choice when he lost control.

He meditates. He concentrates. He learns.

He still isn't in control though.

* * *

It's Tony who gives control back to him. He argues with Bruce forcing him to defend his opinions, forcing him to _have_ opinions. He invites Bruce into his home and gives him a space that's all his own. Tells him he can do what he likes with it. Tells him he will always have a home at the tower, they all will. Tells him he can stay or go; they will be his north star, guiding him home.

Of course, when Tony says it, it's a lot more obnoxious, but Bruce gets the point.

Clint asks him what he wants to watch on Movie Night (which is sacrosanct in Stark Tower).

Natasha offers to spar with him. To give him strength without relying on The Other Guy.

Steve asks his opinion on everything from clothes, to movies, to modern medicine, and Bruce revels in helping the man out of time find himself.

And when he does lose control, when The Other Guy comes out to play, they show him it doesn't matter. They show him they're not afraid. They show him that he won't get hurt.

* * *

Bruce still doesn't like to lose control though. Would you?


End file.
